HATE.

I got back my promotional result, I got promoted as I have expect. Some of my friend aim just to pass but I seriously do not understand what the use. Some will bullshit by saying they will work hard in A levels. Ya right. By then, even if you work hard the best you can get is also a pass. These people think that when they are in a J unior college they can still play like the are in secondary school. I did that and I failed miserably. Singapore is very competitive, No use getting All Cs for A level. People from elite schools , they get H3 As, as compared to us who just get As for H2. Please, our look like NOTHING.

I will seriously start mugging when I return from OBS. I am a perfectionist. I do not do things and leave it hanging. I will work hard. I do not want to miss out the school I want to go to. I wanted to go Jurong secondary, I can’t. Then I wanted to go Jurong Jc , I also can’t. Damn it. I seriously dun believe I cannot make it for SMU.

Nov hasn’t been great either. Things still remain the same, thou now, I accept it more readily. I was in bus today and a lot of things went through my mind. Friends, family, cliques, etc…. Which one it does it really matter the most.
Friends? Will they be there when u need it?
Cliques? Do you really meant that much to them like they are to you?

Lastly, family. No matter what you do, they will always be there, ready to accept you. Ironically, We treat the family the worst. Ok, maybe myself only. I always put emphasis on friendships and often end up in disappointment. I think its time for me to know who are real to me. Who are really the ones who will be there and spent more time with these people? Friends can only be with u till that far. So are good friends.

Good friends also not there when u need that. I experience it not once but a few times. When u hold high regards on them, they will tend to fail you. Maybe i expect too much from a friend.
Sean was my very first buddy, He is really one of the nicest guy and the closet friend ever made. However, due to some issues. we wasn't very much on talking terms. but now, everything is over, now we are still good friends.
When i first came to Jc, i thought things will get better because in secondary i do not have someone who is really very simliar to me in terms of the behaviour or things he or she does so i find it very hard to find a very "zhi tong dao he" friend. I did found a few good friends in jc, however because of time and the area i stay in, slowly, the rest of them starting to have their own clique and some of us were left out. Somehow True friends seems to show. Those are are real friends and those who are just normal friends. It seems like there is only 1. 'Effort today, reward tomorrow." This was my secondary school motto. I strongly believe in it when it comes to studies. However, when it comes to friends, i don't think so. I am tired. For now, I just want to be alone. Far Far away, just sitting at a corner. Away from all of these problems. Fucking irritating.

I though through my bus ride home and I was thinking to myself. How have I changed since the start of the year? I am someone who do thing that are practical. Just like playing volleyball for inter - house. I make sure I can get the gold medal before I join it. If not I would have join soccer, something that I love. Eating foods that are cheap and filling then small but nice. I want to change.

I am very scared to be different. I do not like to stand out from the crowd. I am those who will just follow. Because of this, I feel that I am not who I am. I feel very restrained. Fuck this man. I want to try to have more courage to face things and do thing that I once didn’t dare to. I am seriously feeling very insecure. I want to change.

I will be very honest. Hate me after u read this, I dun care. I join council seriously because of testimonial and no doubt some friends. However, my passion does not really lie there. Some part of me tells me that this is really not the CCA for me. I told serene about this before. She told me she will be very disappointed in me if I will to quit. However, this time I want to do something that I feel very passionate about.

Maybe one day i will.